A Ridiculously Short History of Time
A History of the Universe from the Big Bang to the Disco Era
By Eric Oehler
co-author of the Substandard Model
Introduction
The universe has always been a confusing place. Many of its phenomena
defy explanation even to modern science, such as the Reagan
administration. Questions such as the origin of our species, our planet,
and our universe has plagued scientists and philosophers for centuries,
and prompted thousands of books, years of research, and one really bad
Star Trek movie. However, there are things that Science (note the
capital "S") has tried to understand and has somewhat successfully
developed theories about. These theories have rationalized our view of
the cosmos, and this document seeks to compile these theories into one
economical, easy-to-read, HIGHLY ACCURATE volume.
Table of Contents
The Big Bang is a very popular theory among physicists not only for
its scientific merits, but also for the amount of sexual innuendo that
can
be made regarding it's name. This great primordial explosion supposedly
brought everything in the universe into being, although why exactly it
did
this remains slightly ambiguous. There was belief that the universe was
created as a front for the Mafia, although the scientists who developed
this theory have mysteriously disappeared.
Shortly after the Big Bang, at approximately 10^-57 seconds, some
constituents of the early universe became disgruntled with the way things
were going and decided to hold their own universe. The result was the
"Not-Quite-so-Big-as-the-Big" Bang. The outcome was disappointing. The
new bang accomplished very little, and the two-party system of physics
failed miserably since a joint decision between the two partisans could
never be reached. This bipartisan idea was basically abandoned
throughout
the universe and eventually faded from science. Remnants can still be
seen in american politics.
During this phase of the history of the universe things were immensely
hot, vaguely resembling New Jersey in summertime. Because of the heat,
tempers were short and crime rates soared. Free quarks began roaming in
gangs of two and three, and consequently matter formed. Shortly
following
the formation of matter was the formation of what physicist George Smoot
has positively identified as the oldest object in the universe: Dick
Clark. A few picoseconds after his formation, he hatched the idea for
"Celebrity Bloopers and Practical Jokes" and decide that he needed a
bumbling sidekick that could make him (or anyone else) look good. Thus,
Ed McMahon was created.
Everything was still abominably hot at this point in the development of
the universe. The cosmos was a very uncomfortable place to live, and it
be made regarding it's name. This great primordial ewas obvious that
something needed to be done about the heat. This brings
us to...
The universe finally decided that it was time to install air conditioning
to control the incredibly hot and uncomfortable temperatures that
existed. Things cooled slowly at first, as the universe was trying to
save money on its electric bills. This was the time when Things Cool
Slightly But Not Much. Things cooled faster later, when the universe got
fed up with the heat and cranked the air conditioning up all the way. (
Author's Note: The current ambient temperature of the universe is now 3
degrees
Kelvin and consequently energy is not as free-roaming as it used to be.
This is an example of what happens when climate control goes awry.)
Johnny Carson, considered by many to be the most powerful being in
existence, has been known to make jokes abut the weather, particularly
the
heat. At the beginning of the Great Galactic Air Conditioning, things
hadn't cooled too much, and this became an easy target for many of
Johnny's one-liners. Not having much of an audience, save for basic
subatomic particles, Johnny was forced to rely heavily on Ed McMahon for
laughter. Some things are always constant in the universe. (Author's
note: Since the first edition, Jay Leno has replaced Johnny Carson as
host
of the Tonight Show. It is unknown what effect Leno will have upon the
fabric of the continuum.)
As the universe slowly cooled, intermediate vector bosons decided that
it was nicer to stay in a comfortable air conditioned universe that to go
out outside and exercise. Bosons then became first the "lazy bum"
particles, then the "fat slob" particles, and finally the "weak"
particles. Because of their lack of exercise bosons began to gain mass,
unlike their energetic spouses the photons. Electromagnetic particles
everywhere gave ultimatums: "Either you bosons lose some weight and quit
being such pathetic lazy bums, or electromagnetism and the weak force
will
file for divorce!" There was a quick scramble throughout the universe
for
cans of the newly-formed Slim-Fast*diet shakes and several particles
became severely anorexic. This mad scramble to lose mass was just the
beginning of:
With bosons scrambling about desperately trying to lose weight, the
universe was a very turbulent place. The big problem was figuring out
just how to to go about losing mass and just how many calories a boson
could burn without endangering his health. Many tried crash diets, but
only ended up gaining it all back. Several gave up entirely and went on
to curse Oprah Winfrey forever as "fat particles." Still others
collected
around Marlon Brando. The final blow came when random particles adhered
into the first snack foods. While very primitive, these proto-Twinkies,
quasi-DingDongs and meta-Fritos made the Great Boson Diet an abject
failure. Electromagnetism and the weak force eventually divorced, and
unification was not to be seen again. Luckily there was no custody
battle
and the divorce was not too messy. The forces still remain friends and
can occasionally be seen flirting in Switzerland and Illinois.
Things proceeded in a somewhat normal manner for a while. There were no
more turbulent particle relationships, outside of the normal fission and
fusion that goes on everyday. Stars were born and died, great nebulae
spread out into the cosmos, planets formed, life evolved, and eventually
the Bell telephone system broke up. Only a few great occurences
happened
in the later stages of the universe. One very important event was the
release of the album Voulez Vous by the swedish disco band ABBA.
Containing such disco classics as "Take a Chance on Me" and "Voulez Vous"
it revolutionized the way the rest of the world looked at scandinavian
music and lent musical legitimacy to the disco sound.
Most theorists subscribe to one of two beliefs about the end of the
universe. Some believe that the universe will either spread out into
complete entropy. Others think that the universe will collapse upon
itself
and start over in a process termed "The Great Cosmic Nervous Breakdown",
perhaps joining a more stable profession afterwards, such as accounting.
As to what will herald this end, philosophers, scientists, and
theologians
have disagreed for ages. Some believe the gods will walk the Earth,
others that the stars will all vanish, and still others believe the
Earth
will stop turning. However, a majority now believe that the end will be
heralded by the Milwaukee Brewers winning the world series. The end of
the universe is truly a long way away...
Eric Oehler is currently a student at the University of
Wisconsin, where he tries admirably to seriously study computer science.
Unfortunately, he rarely takes anything seriously. He would, however,
like to offer his sincerest apologies to Dr. Stephen Hawking for
shamelessly lampooning everything Mr. Hawking has worked for , and hopes
the esteemed Doctor has a sense of humour. Mr. Oehler's hobbies include
playing jazz and baroque violin, staring blankly at computer screens,
sending email, and watching Star Trek: The Next Generation. Because of
the latter hobby, he is convinced that any aliens we may contact in the
future will be humanoid, speak english, and have bumpy foreheads. His
other credits include The Substandard Model and Chaos in Everyday Life,
more of this physics humour/drivel co-written with his partner-in-crime,
Charles Danforth.